Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What else is new?

I’ve had devastating losses in my life before. I’ve had moments when I thought nothing would ever be right again. I’ve had times when I played games with Death as a distraction, as a sort of lame hope that consciousness would finally leave me. I’ve had hell, sitting alone on a hard stone bench in a cell wondering if my life was over. I’ve had fear march across my eyes and the heaviness of unnamed burdens on my back. I’ve had unrelenting grief that has threatened to sweep me out to sea so that even my body could never be recovered before it is ravaged by sea creatures and reduced to nothing more than pieces of decaying flesh.

But I know this time, despite the agony in my heart, despite the tearing apart of my soul, I know there will be no more games with Death, no more temptations. Maybe you have succeeded in changing me. At least that would make you feel better, would it not? If you could pat yourself on the back and say job well done? Well done. Well done. Pat yourself in the back all you want. Thanks for putting me back together just so you could crush me once more. Yeah, thanks a lot.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

You are doing great and I'm so glad to hear that you've enough belief in yourself now not to choose to die.

I saw the photos from your recent holiday and you're clearly liked and loved and DO have real friends who will be with you throughout life.

And maybe one day you'll get that dog too! ;-)