Monday, December 06, 2010

Over

I’ve spent the last 12 months loving you, hating you, pleading with you, angry at you, despairing over you... And now it’s all over. Though I still don’t know if I love you or hate you, or any other emotions that are currently opposing of each other.

We ended on a good note though. At least that was how I let you feel. See, I know your weaknesses as well as you know mine. I know you are likely to see this as a positive thing, as something that you had made a change to, and I know how easily you will think it was all about you. Yeah, you did good, and you can go on forgetting the mistakes you made, especially the worst one you ever did to me. Sure, you apologised, but your apology rang hollow. I let it be. It was never going to make a difference how much more I tried to squeeze it out of you. In the last 2 years you’ve been slacking off anyway. Don’t think I didn’t notice. But you were still all I had, so I had to hang onto you even tighter.

Such contradictions, such confusion. And now it’s all over. Sink or swim, you’ve taken my life buoy away from me, ripped it out of my hands even as I struggled to keep afloat. You only see what you wanted to see. You didn’t know the half of it. But you should have. You, of all people. You let me down. You really did.

And when you left, you left my shredded heart all over the damn place and walked all over it with your smile and your conviction that you’ve done such a good job. You don’t even want to listen to me anymore. How could you do this to me?

And of course I let you. I let you think I’m grateful and happy. I let you think you’re great. That’s my disease. I let people think it’s all cool, and I keep the despair from brimming over and I stuff up the tears in the back of my head until I am on my own before I allow the grief and rage to pour out. That’s my disease. I carry too much inside. Sometimes I wish that agony and pain could kill me. Sometimes it feels like I get pretty close, but I never quite make it. That makes it so much worse.... knowing that you have no options and that even Death isn't as easy.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

I'm so sorry you're having a bad time with this. :( I hope you're looking after yourself this weekend.