Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Look at me now

dear V
I find myself on the edge of tears constantly. Ever since you left me, I've been stuck in this abyss. I don't know if I will ever heal from the devastation you have caused. Didn't I come to you in the first place to be healed? How could you have been so merciless? And before you say you're not, ask yourself - do you ever cry yourself to sleep? Do you ever lie in bed at night fighting the night monsters with every ounce of energy you have and finally breaking down to retreat with drugs, with anything you can think of just to shut down your own brain? Do you constantly teeter at the edge of tears, battling your body everyday just to get through the day? Do you sometimes think how pointless everything is? Do you ever just want to let go? If you can't say yes to all of them, then you don't know s^%$. You don't know how cruel it was to simply walk away from someone like me the way you did.

But I guess you had nothing to lose. For me, my life was on the line. I could have lost it. Sometimes I still wonder why I didn't. Every day I still hate myself for not.

Did you see me as your experiment? Was I something you merely played with, honing your skills, hoping to be successful but gradually, over 6 years when you finally realised things weren't going the way you hoped, you decided to cut your losses and conspired with your evil minions under the guise of "expert colleagues" to let me go because somewhere deep inside, you could never even fathom how complicated, how needy I was,... and how it was never going to be easy for us.

Don't you think we believe what we want to believe? Yes - you believed what you wanted to believe and no matter what I said, you were always going to take the moral high ground. Because you had the upper hand. Because you made the decision. You made all the decisions. Including deciding to see me out of your office in the last months we had together because you didn't trust me. Because of one incident when I was too unwell to even remember clearly now. Because of the ONE TIME I made you feel unsafe around me. But in our last meeting you admitted that had been a mistake on your part to keep seeing me outside your office. Well, that was too f*&^king late wasn't it? So what I'm interested in knowing is, how long before that last meeting did you realise it was a mistake? Could you not have changed it so we met in your office again, even if it was for the last couple of sessions? Could you not have made it up to me as quickly as you could? No, you simply left it because you probably thought it wasn't important and we were nearing the end anyway. Yeah. You just left it, leaving me to feel ashamed of myself each time we met in that common room. Oh, I guess you didn't pick up on that. Sometimes you were so incredibly thoughtless it leaves me stunned. And yet when you were mining for my trust, I truly believed that you cared deeply for me.

You confuse me so much. There were times when if you had told me it was day and it was really night, I would have believed you. But now, if anyone told me it was day or night, I would question if day or night even existed. That's what I have become in the wake of you.

1 comment:

Saracide said...

*hugs* :)