Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The seductress

dear V
I was so wrong about you. Oh how you seduced me. How you deceived me. And what a fool I was, to allow myself to fall so completely, so deeply, so helplessly. You did nothing to help me out of the journey we took together. The journey you promised me would lead to a place I always knew was elusive, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe so much... that I let myself. That was my fault. That was my stupidity, my complete lack of foresight. I could only focus on the immediate steps before me and I allowed hope to carry me through, allowing myself to believe the things you said.

I always wonder where I came from. When I hear music that says everyone is someone’s daughter, someone’s son. But I am nobody. I have nothing. I came from nothing. And so I desperately wanted to be your daughter. I wanted it so much. You can’t even imagine. You led me up and I took the fall. Because of me. Because of what I am. I can’t blame anyone else. Not you, not the world.

I took care of me. I was number one. I always had to protect myself. I’ve done that since I was born from that nothingness. I’ve dealt with this reality more often and more regularly than anyone else. So you would think I should know better. I should have known better. Yes. I know.

Nothing is more important than walls. Walls walls walls. Walls around everything. Walls around feelings, walls around needs, walls around wants, walls around my addictions, my innermost cravings, walls around my desires. Hold everything close to my chest. Hide. Hide everything from the enemy. It is the art of my war on life. I was a decorated soldier. I was GOOD at what I did. I had weapons. I had guns. I built giant elaborate fortresses. No one could touch me. But you.... you seduced me with your fancy psychology degree... you wielded the only weapon that could destroy me. My kryptonite. And piece by piece you stole from me before even I could realise what you were doing....

And now there are holes everywhere. My art, my beautiful piece of hand woven tapestry which took years and years to refine is now a shredded piece of ruin. You took away bits of me... pieces you promised to heal but instead you shattered them further and then returned them to me on a gold plated plate, thinking you have done me a favour. You witch. You evil witch.

And yet, witch or not, you are not to blame. I failed. I failed myself. I failed to protect myself. I failed to use the knowledge I have gathered my entire life to protect myself. And that is the curse I have to carry within me always. To know that when it counted the most, I let myself down.

4 comments:

Borderline Lil said...

So beautifully written and so sad, PB. I wish peace and healing for you xx

Normalwasnotmygoal said...

PB, you did not fail. V failed you, big time.

Sid said...

This post is the reason I have yet to let down my walls, to let anyone in. I'm so sorry you took that chance and were hurt even more. V should have stayed with you while you built up your strength to handle life without the fortress surrounding you. That was her failure, not yours.

nikola said...

Dear girl,
i want to share a quote that i found recently, its:
"All addiction is caused by suppression of feelings. If we could learn how to Feel our emotions rather than fear them, ALL addictions and recovery programs would cease to exist."
It might help you, because you are obviously addicted to hurt,love,etc.
Same as many of us are, one way or another.
On the other hand, i know you are very hurt but i don;t believe in giving comforting words like other bloggers, especially if they recreate comforting state of desperation.
So, this person V is not responsible for not staying with you for good, like not any person is responsible for not staying with us all our lives like we are not to them. We can leave at any time of the moment, that's life and that's reality.
And finally, never EVER! trust anyone, not even your mother or father if they say its day and its night outside. Because if you do, you cannot blame anyone else for not trusting you own eyes. The truth is in you, the power is in you, that huge love you are experiencing is in you, not him, not me, not anyone else.
Best,
N