Polar Bear Blog

Lies

2012-01-24T15:40:00.002+13:00

I think about moving on, but you taught me how to hold onto good things, and you told me about fighting the good fight.

So do I fight for you? Or has this become a battle that can only end in tears? You taught me so much, and then you simply left, as if what we were, everything we experienced were merely dust in the wind.

I can deal with the pain. Pain and me are constant companions, old drinking buddies. It's the hurt of confusion that gets me. Like why,... why would you do this to me? It's hard when it was so ambiguous. What you said. The things you did. And now confusion reigns in me because I didn't know. Maybe I should have.

Breathe

2012-01-20T15:22:00.002+13:00

As long as I breathe, I know it will always hurt.

Change is the only constant

2011-12-15T11:15:00.002+13:00

So many changes to come in the new year. People coming, people going. And I'm floating on this tidal wave, helpless as to where I am being tossed. As if my efforts are worth nothing. Just like my existence means nothing. I'm not getting where I want to be. I'm not getting what I need.

How do I cope? How do I cope without you?

When did everything, every emotion, every thought, start to revolve around you? How do I free myself from you? I've used anger. Oh I've stirred the cauldron of rage until it has spilled over. Until I am swept up in a sea of murky bitterness and hate. And when I am finally spent, I discover a growing emptiness that cannot be plugged. This is the cycle of my emotions.

Every day I live and I breathe and always the pain shadows me. Is there no disconnect? Can I not simply stop living,... or have I already done so? I don't know anymore.

Death

2011-10-14T11:07:00.000+13:00

I used to flirt with Him. He used to be my lover. I would fall into His arms, and He used to take my heart into such dark places. He would seduce me, whisper tender affectations and lovingly caress me. In the fold of His arms I would lose myself, sinking into our secret rendezvous, the place of oblivion.He was all I had. He was all I ever wanted. He was the only promise of peace, of escape from pain.

They said my Glasgow score was 3. That was how deep His love was for me. That was how deeply I fell for Him. We could not have gone much further than that and still return... But did I want to return? Did I have to leave?

I still think of my lover from time to time. I think about the safety of His passionate embrace and wonder if I could ever have that again. I think about the only love I ever had, of how things would be different if I had taken that leap with Him. And in times of insecurity, I wonder if He had ever really wanted me.

My heart still breaks a little when I think of Him, of what could have been. Even though I seem to be heading on a different path, I still sneak glances at Him and wonder if it could still be...

There is still so much heartache over the wanting, the needing, the pain, the rejection.

Skinless

2011-10-04T09:57:00.001+13:00

Sometimes I feel as though I am skinless,... and every touch, every connection with the world sends pain coursing through my body. How much pain would you tolerate when deprivation becomes just as unbearable?

Letting go

2011-09-12T13:17:00.001+12:00

I read something the other day that talked about letting go. About how important it is to close certain chapters and open new ones. It advised letting go when the time comes for letting go. Trying to hold onto something beyond its time will only cause us more pain.

I realise this is true. In theory it seems so much easier than in reality. Does it mean I burn that photo of you? Does it mean I burn that folder full of stuff you gave me? Do I feed the fire, and in achieving a bonfire, will I finally release you from my soul? Will my grief dissipate along with the smoke? Or will I one day regret letting you go so completely that try as I might, I will never be able to recall your face into my memory again? Would I ever want to remember you?

I don’t know. I don’t have answers. And always... the questions that go around and around in my head.

Sorry

2011-08-30T09:45:00.003+12:00

Do you remember hating me?

Do you remember screaming at me, telling me I wasn't fit to be loved?

Do you remember the long stony silences when you pretended I didn't exist?

Do you think about them at all these days.... these days when I refuse to answer your calls. These days when I maintain a stony silence...

People say you do what you know. You do what you've learnt. I've learnt.

I can't talk to you these days. I know it was your birthday last week. I know you wanted to talk to me. But I just... can't. I still love you. I do. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I wish you well.

I just can't talk to you right now. I'm sorry. Give me time. I'll try harder when I feel a little better.

Try

2011-08-09T14:55:00.001+12:00

You can try. You can try but you can never keep me down.

Regrets. I have so many. Blame. There’s too much of that. I always say it doesn’t matter anymore, but it does. It hurts. Yes, it still does. I like to tell myself I will grow past you, but really, it’s just more of my infamous bravado. In reality I’m not brave at all. I’m just afraid all the time.

Would I go whoring again? I don’t know. I think about it these days, now that the scent of you has dissipated and I long once more for a connection. Any connection, even if I had to pay for it. Any connection, even if it is to be short lived, and I know I will feel worse after. Do you get that I am that desperate now? Do you get the depths of my pain?... of this aching inside of me? Do you get that I can’t even think long term, but can only focus on seeking relief for this intolerable grief?

I guess I get short sighted when I’m in pain. Nothing else matters. I just want the pain to stop.

Cruel

2011-07-21T15:25:00.000+12:00

How does it sound? You opened your soul to me so I could see how beautiful it was and allowed me to fall in love with you. You made me yearn so deeply for all that you had to offer me and before I could ask for your hand, you turned away from me as if I was diseased.

You not only broke my spirit and my trust, but you made me feel ashamed of who I am. You left me for the dogs and waited in the shadows while they devoured me.

Did you feel pleasure from knowing I suffered? No, you wouldn’t be so cruel. You simply didn’t care. You simply were not even aware of how much pain you left me in.

You, the stranger

2011-07-08T15:28:00.004+12:00

She sits on the edge of the precipice. A girl, no more than 21 years old. There are tears running down her cheeks. She is ready to jump.

“Hey, what are you doing?” the stranger approaches, “Get off that... you don’t want to do that.”

“Maybe I do” the girl replies.

“No, please... hey, let’s talk.”

They always want to talk when it’s too late.

“Tell me, what’s making you feel so bad...” The stranger has an open face, the kind you trust instinctively.

The girl talks, for a long time. She tells the stranger secrets she never told anyone else. The girl doesn’t understand why she is talking now,.... now when it really is too late. But she does, and sometimes, it is like she is watching someone else tell her stories. She can’t stop. She starts to feel better. The stranger is nice, the stranger listens, like no one else ever did before.

It is getting dark and the cold wind starts to blow in from the harbour. The stranger is cold, and hungry. The stranger starts thinking about home, and a warm dinner, and her family at home, awaiting her return.

“I have to go... I’m sorry, but it was nice to talk to you....” The stranger starts to leave.

Before long, the dark has set in, and the girl remains on the precipice.

She weeps.

How much...

2011-07-08T15:18:00.000+12:00

How much do you know? How much do I know? I know. A lot. More than I should. How about you?

Look at me now

2011-06-29T09:11:00.008+12:00

dear V
I find myself on the edge of tears constantly. Ever since you left me, I've been stuck in this abyss. I don't know if I will ever heal from the devastation you have caused. Didn't I come to you in the first place to be healed? How could you have been so merciless? And before you say you're not, ask yourself - do you ever cry yourself to sleep? Do you ever lie in bed at night fighting the night monsters with every ounce of energy you have and finally breaking down to retreat with drugs, with anything you can think of just to shut down your own brain? Do you constantly teeter at the edge of tears, battling your body everyday just to get through the day? Do you sometimes think how pointless everything is? Do you ever just want to let go? If you can't say yes to all of them, then you don't know s^%$. You don't know how cruel it was to simply walk away from someone like me the way you did.

But I guess you had nothing to lose. For me, my life was on the line. I could have lost it. Sometimes I still wonder why I didn't. Every day I still hate myself for not.

Did you see me as your experiment? Was I something you merely played with, honing your skills, hoping to be successful but gradually, over 6 years when you finally realised things weren't going the way you hoped, you decided to cut your losses and conspired with your evil minions under the guise of "expert colleagues" to let me go because somewhere deep inside, you could never even fathom how complicated, how needy I was,... and how it was never going to be easy for us.

Don't you think we believe what we want to believe? Yes - you believed what you wanted to believe and no matter what I said, you were always going to take the moral high ground. Because you had the upper hand. Because you made the decision. You made all the decisions. Including deciding to see me out of your office in the last months we had together because you didn't trust me. Because of one incident when I was too unwell to even remember clearly now. Because of the ONE TIME I made you feel unsafe around me. But in our last meeting you admitted that had been a mistake on your part to keep seeing me outside your office. Well, that was too f*&^king late wasn't it? So what I'm interested in knowing is, how long before that last meeting did you realise it was a mistake? Could you not have changed it so we met in your office again, even if it was for the last couple of sessions? Could you not have made it up to me as quickly as you could? No, you simply left it because you probably thought it wasn't important and we were nearing the end anyway. Yeah. You just left it, leaving me to feel ashamed of myself each time we met in that common room. Oh, I guess you didn't pick up on that. Sometimes you were so incredibly thoughtless it leaves me stunned. And yet when you were mining for my trust, I truly believed that you cared deeply for me.

You confuse me so much. There were times when if you had told me it was day and it was really night, I would have believed you. But now, if anyone told me it was day or night, I would question if day or night even existed. That's what I have become in the wake of you.

The seductress

2011-06-15T15:14:00.003+12:00

dear V
I was so wrong about you. Oh how you seduced me. How you deceived me. And what a fool I was, to allow myself to fall so completely, so deeply, so helplessly. You did nothing to help me out of the journey we took together. The journey you promised me would lead to a place I always knew was elusive, but I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe so much... that I let myself. That was my fault. That was my stupidity, my complete lack of foresight. I could only focus on the immediate steps before me and I allowed hope to carry me through, allowing myself to believe the things you said.

I always wonder where I came from. When I hear music that says everyone is someone’s daughter, someone’s son. But I am nobody. I have nothing. I came from nothing. And so I desperately wanted to be your daughter. I wanted it so much. You can’t even imagine. You led me up and I took the fall. Because of me. Because of what I am. I can’t blame anyone else. Not you, not the world.

I took care of me. I was number one. I always had to protect myself. I’ve done that since I was born from that nothingness. I’ve dealt with this reality more often and more regularly than anyone else. So you would think I should know better. I should have known better. Yes. I know.

Nothing is more important than walls. Walls walls walls. Walls around everything. Walls around feelings, walls around needs, walls around wants, walls around my addictions, my innermost cravings, walls around my desires. Hold everything close to my chest. Hide. Hide everything from the enemy. It is the art of my war on life. I was a decorated soldier. I was GOOD at what I did. I had weapons. I had guns. I built giant elaborate fortresses. No one could touch me. But you.... you seduced me with your fancy psychology degree... you wielded the only weapon that could destroy me. My kryptonite. And piece by piece you stole from me before even I could realise what you were doing....

And now there are holes everywhere. My art, my beautiful piece of hand woven tapestry which took years and years to refine is now a shredded piece of ruin. You took away bits of me... pieces you promised to heal but instead you shattered them further and then returned them to me on a gold plated plate, thinking you have done me a favour. You witch. You evil witch.

And yet, witch or not, you are not to blame. I failed. I failed myself. I failed to protect myself. I failed to use the knowledge I have gathered my entire life to protect myself. And that is the curse I have to carry within me always. To know that when it counted the most, I let myself down.

dear V

2011-06-09T15:57:00.001+12:00

What’s left to say? I believe I’ve said it all. And yet it still feels so raw. I’m still so angry sometimes, so filled with hatred and bitterness. And if I stay angry, I feel less vulnerable, less hurt... there is less pain. Rage is like a cushion on which I can sail. If that means me moving forward, is that a bad thing?

Yet you confuse me. As you always seem to. We had a connection. You made me want to be a better person. But that was once, a long time ago now. But even back then, I could hardly believe I could have been so lucky to know you. And now all I want to do is write you off, because everything you ever said to me were lies. Nothing but self serving lies. It was meant to make YOU feel better, not me. Even if I couldn’t see it then. Now I have a folder full of your lies and shit. I’m going to have a burning party in my backyard and I’m going to burn everything you touched, anything that reeks of you. And that will be my tribute gesture to you. I don’t know how hate and love can co exist so closely, but don’t flatter yourself. The love part was an illusion. Now I see it for what it is – a delusion.

What it ain't

2011-05-30T08:03:00.002+12:00

And I'm a little bit lost without you
And I'm a bloody big mess inside...

(Scouting for Girls)

Sums it all up really. I saw you, at the library the other day. You were in an intent conversation with someone else. I was so jealous... that people get to be with you, and I will never get to experience that... ever.

Interpretation

2011-05-06T09:07:00.002+12:00

I can't seem to move past that crying dream I had... So much seems to be getting out in my dreams recently. And I am left wondering what it all means. About a month a go, I had a nightmare-type dream. It was so real and scary that I work up gasping for breath - it felt as though I couldn't breathe and I was going to die. It was the worst nightmare I have ever had in my life.

Anyway, I googled "crying dream" and this is what I found on http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/c4.htm.

Cry

To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In your daily lives, you tend to ignore, deny, or repress your feelings. But in your dream state, your defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of those feelings that you have repressed during the day.

To wake up crying, represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on.

To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness, difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.

I think overall, that's quite a good interpretation of how and what I've been feeling. But I thought I'd always felt this way... Why it's all coming to the surface now, I don't know. I can't link it with anything going on in real life at the moment.

Hurt runs deep

2011-05-02T09:51:00.002+12:00

The dream was intense enough to produce real tears. I woke myself up by crying,... one of those “crying dreams” as I call them (Do other people have them?). This one was about my mother (it usually is about her). In the dream she cut me out of her life, subtly at first, by not responding to me, but then when I couldn’t get a hold of her, it came out that she didn’t want to be my mother anymore.

Freud would have a field day with this.

I haven’t lived with my mother in over 20 years, and since then, have had only very limited time with her spanning years in which I don’t see her at all. How then, is that hurt little girl still alive? Why does she haunt me so?

How do I bury her forever?

Waves of pain

2011-03-23T09:42:00.001+13:00

Sometimes I sit in the quiet as if on a beach, watching the waves roll in and out, watching my thoughts sweep in and out, unable to grasp the full meaning of how and why and what. How does life go on amidst so many deaths? Why do we go on when we don’t deserve to? What makes the universe go round?

Every day I settle into a rhythm and I follow routines in an effort to think I can control the world. But it’s all illusion, really. Or delusion. But I try to swim with the current because it’s just easier that way. I let the debris of life float alongside me just to make it less painful. But the pain is inevitable, of course. The memories, the very sight of those things will still hurt. And sometimes I still try to fight it until I am bloodied and battered and my soul sinks into the mire of self pity and rage.

I never used to cry. In fact took pride in the fact that I could remain stoic and detached. It was MY thing. But now the tears flow too easily. I choke up at sad movies. The news of disaster stricken people in disaster stricken countries tear at my heart and I want to weep for them. I am a hopeless quivering mess these days. What is up with that? As if all the sadness has accumulated over time, over all the heart aches and heart breaks and now a tiny drop would cause an overflow. It does feel as if my heart of over-full. Over-full with an unfathomable sorrow and when the dam is just about to burst, the outpouring of tears is uncontrollable, inconsolable.

And every day the grief just continues to fill me to bursting capacity.

You haunt me still

2011-03-15T10:21:00.002+13:00

I dreamt of you again last night. Even after all these years, even after I have forgotten the details of your face,... you still haunt me.

And the night before last, I had a crying dream, where I was woken by my own tears, my heart aching in my chest. In the darkness I lay there, gasping for breath, willing the pain away... wondering why I am still alive despite my heart being broken into so many tiny pieces. Wondering why I still feel pain when everywhere else I feel numb and frozen.

Fall

2011-02-25T13:23:00.001+13:00

I despair because I think that I will never feel "OK" again.

Gone

2011-01-26T10:11:00.002+13:00

Living on the edge of fear drains you. Holding onto nothing more than tendrils of smoke, wispy and amorphous. Nothing but your own will... holding you on.

It's OK for you to walk away, turn your back on me. A part of me already knew that would have been your response. I'm still smarting from a recent rejection, so the harm is already redundant. It's OK that you're not curious, not even for one second, how I am, how I am doing.

Bloodied and torn

2011-01-21T15:08:00.002+13:00

I know. It's been a while. I don't know if it's worth doing this anymore. I haven't wanted to reflect on things for quite a while now. Not when the pain is still so raw and sitting just every so slightly just below the surface. Scratching will only draw blood and god knows I've been bloodied enough.

And so what do I do? I try not to dwell. I skip over ever so gently, tuck it away in the deeper recesses of my mind cave. And it's just there. We all know it's there. But we pretend, we play that game. It's the only way to cope with something so huge.

I don't know how they will pick through my words when I'm dead and gone. Will they even bother? Or will I merely slip away and disappear without a trace?

Today's quote

2010-12-14T15:25:00.000+13:00

I like today's quote:

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. (M. Kathleen Casey)

Now, I just have to remember this...

Over

2010-12-06T10:56:00.001+13:00

I’ve spent the last 12 months loving you, hating you, pleading with you, angry at you, despairing over you... And now it’s all over. Though I still don’t know if I love you or hate you, or any other emotions that are currently opposing of each other.

We ended on a good note though. At least that was how I let you feel. See, I know your weaknesses as well as you know mine. I know you are likely to see this as a positive thing, as something that you had made a change to, and I know how easily you will think it was all about you. Yeah, you did good, and you can go on forgetting the mistakes you made, especially the worst one you ever did to me. Sure, you apologised, but your apology rang hollow. I let it be. It was never going to make a difference how much more I tried to squeeze it out of you. In the last 2 years you’ve been slacking off anyway. Don’t think I didn’t notice. But you were still all I had, so I had to hang onto you even tighter.

Such contradictions, such confusion. And now it’s all over. Sink or swim, you’ve taken my life buoy away from me, ripped it out of my hands even as I struggled to keep afloat. You only see what you wanted to see. You didn’t know the half of it. But you should have. You, of all people. You let me down. You really did.

And when you left, you left my shredded heart all over the damn place and walked all over it with your smile and your conviction that you’ve done such a good job. You don’t even want to listen to me anymore. How could you do this to me?

And of course I let you. I let you think I’m grateful and happy. I let you think you’re great. That’s my disease. I let people think it’s all cool, and I keep the despair from brimming over and I stuff up the tears in the back of my head until I am on my own before I allow the grief and rage to pour out. That’s my disease. I carry too much inside. Sometimes I wish that agony and pain could kill me. Sometimes it feels like I get pretty close, but I never quite make it. That makes it so much worse.... knowing that you have no options and that even Death isn't as easy.

Heart

2010-12-01T15:48:00.001+13:00

The heart is a fragile thing indeed. And now the pieces are everywhere.

Brave

2010-11-30T10:04:00.001+13:00

I will try to be brave. I will try to be as brave as I can.

Why does it feel as if I am approaching my execution day?

Dark day ahead

2010-11-30T09:10:00.001+13:00

Tomorrow will be a dark day, but I will forge ahead with dignity as best I can. I know how hard the blow will be, but I will stand up and allow the pain to swallow me up. I can only hope and take comfort in that at least the anticipation of it will finally be over, and we can start to put it all behind us.

It doesn’t matter how you look at it... there will be pain. Incredible pain. Pain that will rip and tear and pull apart and shred. Pain that will leave ruins and tattered pieces of my heart everywhere. Pain that will dig into the foundation of my soul and reveal everything ugly that had been hidden and buried, once upon a time. Pain that will sit above pain which has sat beyond agony.

How will I get through this? What do I tell that grieving confused child who has lost everything all at once?

Hurt

2010-11-26T13:51:00.002+13:00

If someone you love hurts you deeply, is it OK to hate them?

What else is new?

2010-11-23T09:30:00.000+13:00

I’ve had devastating losses in my life before. I’ve had moments when I thought nothing would ever be right again. I’ve had times when I played games with Death as a distraction, as a sort of lame hope that consciousness would finally leave me. I’ve had hell, sitting alone on a hard stone bench in a cell wondering if my life was over. I’ve had fear march across my eyes and the heaviness of unnamed burdens on my back. I’ve had unrelenting grief that has threatened to sweep me out to sea so that even my body could never be recovered before it is ravaged by sea creatures and reduced to nothing more than pieces of decaying flesh.

But I know this time, despite the agony in my heart, despite the tearing apart of my soul, I know there will be no more games with Death, no more temptations. Maybe you have succeeded in changing me. At least that would make you feel better, would it not? If you could pat yourself on the back and say job well done? Well done. Well done. Pat yourself in the back all you want. Thanks for putting me back together just so you could crush me once more. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Gas chamber

2010-11-22T09:41:00.000+13:00

It’s been so long, we might as well be strangers. It shouldn’t matter so much anymore, and yet it does. You were the one who taught me to accept my feelings as they are, and yet it hurts so much more this way. Did you know you could cause me so much pain with just a touch of your finger? Do you realise you could yield such enormous weapons of mass destruction? Surely you never meant it to be this way. I still want to believe you are a good person when it would be so much easier to believe you are not.

I still go back to the that awful moment when everything changed, when the whole world tilted and would never right itself again. When my life became tainted by the slow release of poison, and finding myself in my own private gas chamber.

People tell me it won’t always hurt this way. But I couldn’t imagine a time when it wouldn’t.

Animal game #1

2010-11-15T15:48:00.001+13:00

If you could be an animal, what animal would you be and why?

I'd be a bird, so I could fly away from here.

Fate: Outward Bound

2010-11-11T15:25:00.003+13:00

I don't know you, and yet I do. I know you are a special person, I know you are someone who strives to do their best in life, someone who values all the important things like family, hard work, love, and relationships. I know you will always strive to do your best when you can. I know you care deeply for people. I know you care about right and wrong. I know you will always choose to do the right thing. Our moral values seem to sync.

I also know that the way our lives have crossed means that we can never be friends, and for this I will always grieve deeply. Why couldn't we have met under different circumstances? We love the same things - we love the outdoors, nature, we love physical activities, we could have met in so many ways. And I know that if we could have met as friends, that I would fall in love with you. I can only imagine how much our friendship could have made a difference to my life. I can only wish and exist in the periphery of your life and then one day fade away. Always on the outside, abandoned and then forgotten, as I am in everything else. I curse my fate. I curse my wretched fate.

I can only dream of possibilities and what could have beens.

Lessons to learn

2010-09-13T14:45:00.000+12:00

Sometimes we worry too much. Sometimes some things are simply beyond our control, and we need to learn to be more accepting, more at peace with the way things just are. Fighting the flow of natural things causes more pain, pain we don’t need.

I don’t know why, but when two people share a connection, the expectations are somehow higher, and emotions are so much more intense. Or maybe that’s just me. Maybe I expect too much, read into things, attribute inferences which aren’t really there. I know that’s a trait I’ve picked up from my mother, a trait I have to consciously battle so I am nothing like her. I’ve watched her be the cause of her own unhappiness, and that’s not the way I want to go...

Letting go

2010-09-09T13:34:00.001+12:00

I dreamt of you last night, of how I had no power over us, of how familiar that feeling has now become to me.

Happy birthday

2010-09-01T11:10:00.001+12:00

I hope you had a good one. Did you think that I would remember you this time of year? I do, every year since I have known (you).

I know we've fought a lot this year. I know we've had our differences, and you've caused me so much pain and grief. And yet I can only remember you fondly. Such is the curse that I carry with me and will forever be.

And I want you to know that any resentment I feel on my part is only because sometimes the pain is so much that I really have no other options. I know hatred much more intimately than I do love. It is easier on my heart when I am angry. Anger is a soothing balm to the burning desire and pain inside of me. And anger ignites hate.

I know how it will end. I know how things can never be. I don't want to fight anymore. I want you to live your life the way you want, and I will simply have to live mine. No more lies, no more delusions.

I'd like to just walk away, bury the memories deep in the pit of an abyss. And hope that the anniversaries and the little reminders will not trip me up too much. I will think of you fondly, despite the price I have to pay for it - the incredible sense of emptiness and longing. Longing for something I can never have. But I should be used to that by now. I really should. It's not your fault.

I'm sorry if I caused you any hurt, or pain, or any negative feelings. You don't deserve that. Maybe some good will come from my leaving you (or is it you leaving me). Even if it means I have to sacrifice my happiness, my yearnings...

For me, it's just one more loss. One more loss and more grief, more pain. But it's OK. I'll be OK.

I wish you well. I really do. And I hope the people you have chosen to surround yourself with treat you well.

They are so lucky to have you.

On reflection

2010-08-16T14:47:00.001+12:00

Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things we need to let go of. Sometimes it’s hard to accept change when change is forced upon us, sometimes it’s not even our fault. Sometimes it’s hard to do things in a new way because the old ways are so familiar, if nothing else, and even if it causes us so much pain.

But I’m slowly learning. I can’t hold onto things just because that’s how they have always been. I’m so scared of letting go, but I must. I must somehow. I have no choice. That’s just the way life rolls. I have anger, and I have bitterness, but I know that like the grief and the pain, in time, it will pass. The colours will be muted, the emotions will fade, the edges will smooth itself out, and maybe, maybe I will also find forgiveness.

I’ve become so hard in the recent months. In a bid to protect myself I’ve rebuilt the same old walls, I’ve laid the blame away from me, I’ve gotten myself into confrontations (which has always been in my nature to avoid at all costs). It was just easier that way, my way of putting up a fight, to stand up for myself just this time when everything else is falling apart. And what have I achieved? People have turned away from me, I’ve gotten their backs up. For that, I will take responsibility for. I don’t know if I would do things differently. Maybe it’s just a process I need to go through. I don’t know. But slowly, I am being put in my place.

I have to try to remember to be more humble because at the end of the day, I’m not a super hero, in fact I’m nothing great. I’m nothing, really. The world owes me nothing. And maybe the theory that still needs to be tested is whether I get what I put in.

I would hope so.

Life is like dominoes

2010-08-05T14:55:00.001+12:00

Like falling dominoes, one change affects another, that change in turn affects another, and yet another and so the cycle goes.

In the end, everything has been changed, everything is different. The landscape becomes alien.

Drown

2010-07-22T12:36:00.001+12:00

The grief isn't buried as deep as I thought/wanted it to be. All she did was scratch the surface and the dam broke, and it was all I could do to stay afloat in the rushing tide of water.

It was compounded by the voice in my head telling me that drowning would be so much easier. You simply let go... let go of everything and stop fighting because the more you fight, the more agonising it is going to be.

Just let go.

Why can't I?

Because

2010-07-15T15:28:00.002+12:00

...because....

..you listen when no one else does
..you are patient with me
..you try so hard
..you are never unkind..even when you are mad at me
..you make the effort
..you practice what you preach
..you believed in me..when I didn't
..you give a damn..even when I don't
..you showed me how I could live better
..you tell me it's OK, and then it is
..you soothe the chronic pain in my heart
..you helped me believe... in better things
..you are so kind, so gentle.. it makes me want to be a better person

On illness

2010-06-30T14:04:00.001+12:00

I don't get hung up on diagnoses. My main diagnosis - which is Borderline PD, has stayed with me through various psychiatrists, psychologists, psych nurses, etc. That's about the only thing they seem to agree on. I don't know where and when the C-PTSD thing came up, but while in hospital, the reviewing shrink mentioned it. I don't think it's an official DSM diagnosis anyway. But the concept of it, I'd say fits my experience.

But it doesn't matter. I really don't care - for me the Borderline label clarified many things to me. Why I was the way I was. How different symptoms will appear for me during periods of stress. And the prescription for it - the DBT in the last 6 years has been helpful. That's what matters.

I don't consider myself recovered. But I do have some new skills to put into practice. They don't always work, but at least they do some of the times. I think the difficulties I have will always be there. That's another thing that matters to me, that I realise cannot be simply "fixed". And it's going to be a on-going battle.

Artful dodger

2010-06-30T13:17:00.002+12:00

Well, I dodged the bullet this time. Apparently no news is good news.

Even though I dodged the bullet, I feel sad for my colleagues whose futures are now uncertain. It shows you the kind of world we live in these days. You walk in one day, and they tell you your job is being "disestablished". OK, so we had a lot of advanced notice, and yes, they used a lot of fancy managerial-speak, but the bottom line was, it was a staffing review and people were going to lose their jobs, and now people have.

I know this has been happening everywhere. Not just in my industry, but in other areas as well. Some people literally walk into their work and are told they are no longer needed. Yes, it's been all over the news, but this has definitely hit close to home.

Update

2010-06-29T15:54:00.002+12:00

Another stretch in the hospital, another label added. Complex PTSD apparently. I have to say it fits though.

Tomorrow, I will find out if my job is going to be on the chopping board. Tough times, I know.

Running

2010-06-09T15:31:00.002+12:00

Physically I feel great. I can easily do a 20km run now, with major improvements to my time on my shorter 5km daily runs.

I will

2010-05-31T08:35:00.002+12:00

I'll put on a face, show you my brave front, though I am dying inside.

I'll even smile for you, just so I can make YOU smile.

I'll tell you I am OK, even though I am so far from that.

I'll thank you with my eyes, lock the tears inside, hide behind the veil.

I'll do all that for you.

I'll do all that for you. Because it's just the way I am.

I'll do all that for you. Because after all these years, I owe you that much.

Please don't leave me

2010-05-26T09:34:00.001+12:00

I always knew it would come to this. I knew it was going to hurt. If I ever thought, or for one moment, hoped, that I could cope, then I was a bigger fool than I ever thought.

There have been some very dark moments. When I can't even imagine the possibility of light,... when my mind is filled with horror and devastation,... when my chest heaves with agony,... when breathing feels like a betrayal.

Yes, there have been some very dark moments. When I wonder where God is, or contemplate why even He has abandoned me.

I know

2010-05-25T13:33:00.001+12:00

I know. Life will go on, despite the broken heart.

I know. I'll live again, despite the agony of this pain.

I know. In time, the pain will become an ache, but always, that ache.

Metaphysical death

2010-05-24T15:22:00.001+12:00

Each passing day brings me further away from you. There's little consolation for me, and everyday as time slips past me, I can only think about what could have been. And even though the weight of physical death has now lifted (somewhat), there is the meta physical death, and with it, the burden of abandonment pain that never ceases.

I would like to say that this is not up to me. I would like to distance myself from such masochism. That I would choose pain over relief. But who else could be tasked with this, but me? That I choose to inflict so much agony on a body that is already so scarred and bloodied?

How does it make sense?

21km event

2010-05-17T15:36:00.002+12:00

The first 15k was fine. The last 6k hurt a bit, but pretty happy with my time - 2:03:34. That was my first 21k event!

The pain was good. Felt good to be that physically exhausted. But the nauseous bit wasn't so fun. I've never felt like that before. I guess I must have pushed harder than I ever have. But honestly, the last 3km, I was merely putting one foot in front of the other, oblivious to everything around me, pushing that pain away with every new step.

Sometimes I wish I emotional pain were that easy to conquer.

Fighting on

2010-05-14T13:24:00.001+12:00

If I picked myself up and carried on, would you still care? If I fix this, this one time, does it mean that it'll always be this way? Will I be fixing everything, for everyone, all the time? Could I call up the courage to do the brave thing? What role does courage play in a situation where one has no choice? Or one that is forced into a corner?

So have we decided? Have we decided I will be brave? That I will do the right thing, as I have always done, and perhaps have been cursed to do for the rest of my life?

Hardest

2010-05-12T14:48:00.002+12:00

...the hardest part
was letting go, not taking part...
You really broke my heart...

I could feel it go down...

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
... that's the hardest part...

Worry

2010-05-12T14:09:00.002+12:00

I worry sometimes, that I don't have the brain power for this job.

I worry that all the medications I've been on and my current one affecting my ability to process more complicated concepts.

Wild

2010-04-29T14:50:00.000+12:00

I've been away a while, I know. I don't know what to say. My feelings fluctuate, and I'm rarely ever sure what it is I am feeling at any one time. Mostly I can say it's feelings of sadness, but there is anger too, there is frustration, and there is that mixed state which is neither here nor there.

Work crises has been keeping me busy, but every day I still go home to an empty home and I have to tend to that screaming mad witch who hates me desperately at the moment. Yes, the self loathing is horrible. It's tearing me apart.

The tsunami of emotions continues to drown me. I want things to end on a good note and that's what I told her. She deserves that much at least from me, after 6 years. But her lack of trust of me at the moment is making me wild with rage.

I have so much to lose...

Crossroads

2010-04-15T11:39:00.003+12:00

Maybe it's time I started to grieve the end of my 6 year relationship with V. I'm trying to tell myself it's pointless to hold onto a fantasy. It's simply not something I was ever meant to have on a permanent basis, and while it lasted, I experienced feelings - good feelings I have never felt before, or perhaps did, but never for more than mere moments. And this now, must all come to an end as everything has done before.

I have to let it go. I have to return something that I had borrowed. It was never mine to begin with, and it doesn't matter how much I still want it, how desperately I want it. I want it so much I have felt that I couldn't possibly live without it. And I still don't know if I can. I don't know if I can despite knowing I have done so in the past.

I have to let it go, but I don't want to. It is such a heart wrenching process. It strips away a layer of my soul which all my tears have not eased one bit. It is an unrelenting burning agony. And all the words in the world could not truly describe this pain.

I am standing on the precipice of my life.

There are 2 stories. The one about the soldier of tragedy who goes off into battle, fighting a war he could never win. He is struck down again and again. And yet he gets up and soldiers on. But in the end, he bleeds to death from his wounds because he would be cut open and was never allowed time to heal before he was struck down again. No one dressed his wounds. No one held him in their arms, feeding him food or giving him water when he was thirsty and starving. His death was dignified, but it was a waste. It was for the glory of his country, but he was only a statistic in the end.

There is another story about the warrior who goes to battle. He too is struck down over and over again but the warrior fights through everything and he hangs onto life, though barely. There is no one there to feed him or give him water, but he eats the vegetation on the ground and drinks from the mud puddle. He survives because he is a warrior, but his body is marked with scars and parts of his flesh is simply rotting from infected wounds. He will always walk with a bad limp and pain will be his constant companion for as long as he breathes.

Who am I? Am I the soldier of tragedy or am I the warrior?

Country of choice

2010-04-12T10:54:00.002+12:00

Even amidst all this pain and turmoil, amidst this full scale war of my life, tomorrow is going to be a special day for me. Because of everything that has happened recently, I don't know if the little bit of happiness and pride I have around this special occasion feels more like finally reaching the finish line in a long marathon (and the relief I feel at finally knowing that the end is in sight), or if it feels more like a triumph that will carry me through the rest of my life.

Tomorrow, I officially become a citizen of my adopted country. And in renouncing my birth country, I will have finally burned the bridge behind me. Tomorrow, after almost 10 years, living in my country of choice, I will be officially recognised as a citizen who has pledged her allegience to her adopted country.

This is a special occasion for me. It is rich with symbolism. Though it could be easy to take something like this for granted, it is probably the most significant step I have ever made in my life. I have waited a long time for this. I have worked hard to reach this point. It's been a goal I set for myself a long long time ago but one that was never realised for one reason or another.

But now, finally, I have arrived.

Tomorrow, despite all the wounds I carry on my body, and despite knowing the battle will only continue after the event, I will set the pain aside and celebrate this milestone. It does not matter whether this is the finish line, or if it is only the start of a new race. I will celebrate the victory and I will soak myself in the glory of having reached this juncture.

Turmoil

2010-04-08T08:44:00.001+12:00

There have been developments, obviously, because so much time have passed since I last updated here.

I was back in hospital again, after missing an appointment with V and failing to show up at work. I had people upset and angry with me, and I still don't have a clear reason of why.

The turmoil inside caused me so much endless pain. My mind was more conflicted than it has ever been before. What do you do when your body naturally does everything it has to do to preserve itself, but the mind is screaming for release, screaming for total oblivion, total darkness. What do you do when the heart hurts yet it keeps on beating?

No reprieve

2010-03-17T08:37:00.001+13:00

There is no reprieve. Time is time, and time is marching on. Sitting in death row, you can only imagine the world outside, everything in its place, and you in yours. The two worlds cannot be more different. One fills with hope, the other with doom. You wait, with the ticking of the clock. There is no place to run. Your sentence is so unfair.

This is not the life I had planned.

Time

2010-03-15T13:33:00.001+13:00

My heart still hurts. How much longer will it have to beat?

I know now how futile my attempts at living are. I now know how easily the facade could come off, the curtains could fall off.

You will then only rip me apart. Do you care?

Do you care?

Questions

2010-03-12T15:10:00.000+13:00

I have things to live for. I've worked very hard to attain the things that I have. Through much luck, I have a respectable job and I know that when I am well, I do a good job. People have told me so. I also mess up, and I've dropped the ball many times. There are times when I know I should be doing work but my mind is elsewhere fretting over things that I fret about. And yes, there are times when I do a mediocre job and pass it off when I could have done so much better.

But I'm human, and I can accept that. What I don't understand is why I am so willing to give everything up, everything that I have worked so hard for, everything that I have earned, every inch through blood, sweat and tears - why would I give all that up because I am losing the connection to the one person in my life who has truly understood me and attempted to help me?

Why does it feel as if everything is meaningless without the support and contact with this one person? Why does it matter so much? Why does it hurt so much? Am I doomed to live with this attachment issue all my life? Why am I doomed to live this way?

Would I really be willing to give everything up for this one heartache that has never healed and the one heartache I can never hope to heal?

Losing battle

2010-03-09T11:01:00.001+13:00

I'm so tired. I feel as though all the fight has let go of me. Or maybe it is I who let go.

My mind keeps screaming at me. And I talk too much. It's unlike me. But I always say too much. My secrets are not secrets anymore. And when you lose a secret, you lose the power.

Trying

2010-02-23T13:35:00.000+13:00

I can't be mad at you. You try so hard, so today, I tried hard too.

It's going to be a tough 3 months. With time running out, I hope we get there.

Not playing by the rules

2010-02-22T19:03:00.000+13:00

You're not supposed to do this. You're not supposed to let me know now that you do listen, and that you do care. You're not supposed to make an incredibly thoughtful move like this and use your words to seduce me the way you'd done the last 5 years. You can't just tell me something like this, as if you do care. You can't just clear your conscience by putting all this into writing, and then make sure that this is one piece of paper that will always sit in my folders haunting me the way spirits haunt an abandoned house.

You're not playing by the rules, you're not being fair.

You can't just do this and break me down further.

You're not allowed to take the wind out of my sail. You're not supposed to break down the resolve I have built up in my heart. You're not allowed to make me doubt and become uncertain about my plans. At this stage of the game, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS. You cannot prove to me now that you still have my best interest in your heart. I have waged a war against you, and I have become COMFORTABLE with this. I am OK with this. I WANT. TO. BE. ANGRY. I. NEED. TO. BE. ANGRY.

You're being unfair. You're cheating. That's not fair.

The savage beast

2010-02-17T09:03:00.004+13:00

Like a dog that has been kicked and beaten all its life, I am approaching her with a wariness that was never there before. She's successfully made me cry three weeks in a row now. She's somehow reached into the deepest part of me and broken my heart with nothing more than her clenched fist. And just when I thought it couldn't hurt anymore, it does. This is fathomless pain, the kind of pain that breaks your spirit, breaks your will, sucks the energy right out of you.

Like a dog that has been kicked and beaten all its life, there is an anger stirring inside, a wild rage that could make it unpredictable and bite because it is hurt, and scared.

Like a dog that has been kicked and beaten all its life, all it ever knows is more of the same. And it expects to be kicked and beaten.

But sometimes, on occasion, this dog gets conned. Because it is drawn inevitably to humans who smile and offer little treats - a gentle pet, a friendly rub of its belly. It knows how good it could feel, it is simply starving for it and for that one terrible moment, it drops its guard and makes itself vulnerable. It does not see the chain being held by the human's other hand. It does not see the blow when it comes. And the stinging pain that suddenly explodes into its consciousness is almost enough to kill it. But it isn't lucky enough to be killed. At least not yet.

It is nothing more than a stray dog anyway. It will be beaten and kicked and would never find a home because inside, it is a wild dog, a dog that was never house broken, never taught to fetch, never taught to play nice with the baby, or the kitten. It would always carry that potential for danger because it is savage. And it WILL devour the baby or the kitten because it only knows things instinctively and knows nothing about connections, or love, or play.

It is a stray, savage beast that needs to be put down.

Sometimes

2010-02-16T15:41:00.000+13:00

Sometimes I am brave, or at least I try to be. But sometimes I can't, and I give in to the demons that prowl my mind.

It seems that all they ever do these days is scream at me. And I don't know how much longer I am prepared to live with that.

I told myself I wasn't going to cry today. Infact I told V that I wasn't going to cry again - that I am DONE with crying. But it only made me cry harder. I wept, and then regretted it. I alternated between anger and extreme sadness. Anger was easier. It was so much easier.

At work after the session, someone asked me if I was ok. I must look a mess. But mostly, I've been hiding in my office.

V called me later. She asked if we should move our time to the end of the afternoon so I didn't have to go into work looking a mess. I said no. It wouldn't be safe for me to be at home after a session like the ones we've been having lately. I was touched by her consideration, but I'm still mad.

Sometimes I am brave, or at least I try to be. But sometimes I can't, and I give in to the demons that prowl my mind.

Statement

2010-02-16T11:41:00.000+13:00

Every suicide, whether thoughtfully carried out in a plan executed with precision, or thoughtlessly acted upon on an impulse, is a statement. Suicide is a statement of pain. It says, "I am in pain". It says "I have had enough".

Unending blindness

2010-02-15T09:16:00.002+13:00

Sure, I could. I've probably survived a lot worse. So yeah, sure, I could pick myself off the ground and move on. Focus on positive things instead of the pain. That's what everybody wants me to do. Just move on, as if that is the easiest thing in the world to do. Why didn't I think of that myself?

But I'll tell you a little secret. I don't want to. I don't want to put myself through the pain. It's just not worth it. Am I being a coward? Am I being weak? Am I selfish? Yes, yes, and yes. But I don't care.

I am being a petulant child because I am tired and hungry. I am tired of this life. I am tired of this crap. I'm tired of being in pain. But most of all, most of all..., I am tired of this emptiness, that aching hole inside of me that knows no boundaries.

And so I will throw a tantrum. Even if no one cares.

Pieces of me

2010-02-10T08:48:00.000+13:00

If only you knew what is in my mind. But I'm not going to hold you hostage.

Pain is desire - desire for something we cannot have. Is a better life something I can never have? Is that what you are trying to say to me? Should I stop wanting? How do I stop wanting? I want to stop wanting.

Yesterday you told me how frustrated you are with me. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I don't get it. I'm sorry I didn't watch my words and made you angry. It's hard for me to know what the right words would be. And now I am scared, I am scared of my words tripping me up again, making you frustrated, making you angry enough to ask me to leave. I'm sorry - I am so quick to apologise because I couldn't imagine what I would do if you asked me to leave.

I'm sorry you need to talk to your consult group about me. I'm sorry you need motivation to work with me. I try to be good. Sometimes I try so hard. And I still let you down. Just like how I let everybody down.

I don't want to cry anymore, and yet lately that seems to be all I ever do. I'm so tired of crying. Once the floodgates are opened, how do I stop crying? And when the world seems as if it will never be OK again, when my heart physically hurts in my chest, what do I tell myself to ease that incredible agony?

What is the sound of a heartbeat?

2010-02-09T15:03:00.000+13:00

So we play mental gymnastics. We use words as hoops. We do a little dance, cartwheel through the air.

And still, my heart aches. Every night, I lay awake and listen to the beating of my heart and I wonder what does it take to stop it forever?

Every night, my heart beats and I can feel the sound of it in my ears, like a crashing wave, wave after wave after wave.

My heart...

2010-01-29T08:09:00.000+13:00

...is broken beyond repair.

Please sir, I want some more

2010-01-21T14:11:00.000+13:00

It is a terrible thing, to want more. To want more than I ever deserved, to want more than what I have, the wanting, the needing... One has no right to ask for more than one's own share. Needing it more than what is appropriate, what is right... The universe has its way of making sure of that. To go against the universe is to incur pain. Tremendous pain. I see that now. It was wrong of me. So very wrong.

You've shown me compassion, you've shown me such tenderness, and I believed every drop of it, I've drunk it all so greedily, like a starving animal, it was the sweetest thing I ever tasted. And now I don't know if I can live without it.

I've deserved none of it. None of it. If it wasn't for your mercy, I would never have had it at all.

It is a terrible thing, to want more, like Oliver Twist, to want just that much more to satiate me. To want more, just to fill my stomach. Just so I would not be so hungry.

When?

2010-01-20T10:23:00.001+13:00

Gnawing emptiness. If I closed my eyes, will I fade away? The break down of connections. So much pain. When will it ever stop?

Wept

2010-01-15T09:19:00.001+13:00

She sits there and watches me. She does not say anything. Her face tells me everything.

I look into her eyes. The depths are fathomless. I fall into them, as if in a trance.

The words between us flow silently. This is serious, she tells me. I know, I say. My heart is bursting with emotion.

Her eyes become watery, the tears are not far away. I sigh quietly, but I know she hears me and is hurt by it. It seems I can do nothing that would not hurt her fragile state.

The floodgates open, and she falls into my arms...

Adrift

2010-01-14T08:37:00.001+13:00

Close my eyes. Drifting. Feel the velvety smoothness of oblivion. Reaching out... touching nothing. My heart beats still. I feel regrets. I feel faraway pain, but pain nonetheless.

My heart trips sometimes. I keep wondering why.

I see you for the first time in 3 weeks and the wound is ripped open and bleeding once more. Realise my protection system is not as strong as what I imagine it would be. Inside that rock hard steel is just jelly. I quiver with uncertainty, with pain. I cannot explain to you something you have never known, something you will never know.

I close my eyes and go to that faraway place.

I just want to go home.

New year

2010-01-07T15:21:00.002+13:00

Well, it's over. At least for another year...

I had a total of about 12 days off. I didn't do anything terribly exciting except for the trip down to Wellington, hoping to catch the 3D version of Avatar which didn't happen because it was sold out. Yeah, I know, I should have booked online the previous day.

In truth, there were days when I felt a bit lost. All that time - alone. It's just not a good thing for me mentally. I spent much of the time brooding. There's only one major thing occupying my mind lately but I won't go into that now. The pain of it is still too raw. And the anticipation of that pain fills me with dread.

Some mornings I got up and for the first 10-20 minutes upon waking, I would play this game in my head - a game V taught me actually for another purpose - I would go through the alphabet and name animals, or places, or boys' names, or girls' names. So it would go something like this - say I choose animals as the subject, so I would go A for Aardvark, B for Badger, C for Crocodile, and so on.

That's the only way I know to stop those tortured thoughts. The only way I could go on with my day without overdosing, or cutting myself, or hitting myself, or punching out the walls. I still lost the battle occasionally. The violence would bubble forth and I would give in. I guess you can't win all the time.

2009 went by remarkably quickly. There were no major milestones, but there were definately a few bumps along the road. I'm currently not in a position to review the year and reflect on those events. I'm barely holding myself together mentally and emotionally.

I guess all I want to say is, Yay 2010. At least it's a brand new year and I hope I can shed all the negative energy from 2009.

Why?

2009-12-22T13:22:00.000+13:00

Why do I do this to myself?

Lost

2009-12-22T13:19:00.001+13:00

She got me again. I truly have no arsenal when it comes to V. She wins every battle - even if I try very hard not to let her. In the end, I always just want to please her. And I can't stay mad at her.

The problem with playing it as if I was OK, is that she doesn't know I'm not. But that's probably for the best.

Tis the season

2009-12-21T15:02:00.003+13:00

Countdown to the final days of 2009. I'm working the last 3 days of the year - till Wednesday. I have no plans for Christmas. Maybe a friend will take me in, I don't know. I'm just another homeless, abandoned puppy.

I see V tomorrow - the last session for the year. She hasn't been able to tell me when she returns. Maybe she's breaking me in for the big break up in May. My heart has become too numb for any real emotions. I've finally stopped crying and gotten on with the planning. It is the Plan that comforts me and gets me through. Whatever works, right? Somewhere, deep inside, somewhere beyond where I'm familiar with I'm afraid to say still hurts, but there's nothing for me to do now - as my case manager said - I have to accept it. I haven't voiced my thoughts on that - that there is an alternative. I don't think she wants to know. I don't think anyone really wants to know. It's a lonely place to be when you decide your life isn't worth living anymore.

So I will have just over a week off work. I really have no idea what I will do. DVD/Movie marathons, maybe. I'll just be marking time. Distractions. Everything is only a distraction. I want to reach out and say, help me... but this time of year everyone focuses on family. Their family.

That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Ripped: the stench of betrayal

2009-12-14T13:33:00.002+13:00

So this is what it feels like when someone you love, someone you trust, takes a knife and stabs you in the chest with it. This is what it feels like when you open yourself up and trust someone. This is what happens when you delude yourself into thinking this person might actually care about you. This is what happens when you let yourself feel safe in a world you have ALWAYS known was unsafe. This is what happens when you go against your very instinct, your very own protection system, when you go against your belief system, when you start to let hope into your pathetic wretched life, when you ALWAYS knew hope was nothing but a denial of reality.

Dazed

2009-12-12T14:17:00.002+13:00

Pain. Pain wrapped in more pain... wrapped in even more pain...

Stunned. I am dazed. I feel as if I am immersed in a thick liquid fog.

I fade in and out. I slept for 2 days. Incredible pain seizes my heart, then lets go... I am numb, yet in terrible pain. I am blind and drowning.

I don't know if it will ever stop hurting so bad. I don't know if I will make it out of this one. I don't know if it will only get worse. I don't want it to get worse. I couldn't do it to myself.

Why are you doing this to me?

Update

2009-12-04T14:42:00.003+13:00

So much has happened. So much is still going on. Work has been busy, but that was because I had been in hospital and then on sick leave for another week before I went back to work. So things piled up. My email inbox exploded and I could barely keep up.

The main trigger is that V is now discussing ending DBT. It's been 5 years and she thinks I've gotten everything I need to and there's not much else she can add. To me, this means termination, and termination to me is terrifying. I've reacted in dramatic fashion. I went psychotic - which resulted in my hospitalisation. Not great. I argued with V for a couple of weeks, getting angry - I was furious about the abandonment. Then I cycled through a period of extreme grief. Then I became numb. I could only see suicide as a way out. I still do - but I need to talk myself into it. Sometimes it is easy, but other times, it is not.

I'm hurt, I'm angry/furious. I'm making things up in my mind about how terrible it will be. I cannot comprehend a life without V. V is my strength, my reason to keep going - and I know this shouldn't be the case. It's a profesional relationship, nothing more. And I am so mad at myself for getting so attached.

I keep losing track of time. Last weekend I did a 40km cycle ride in a 160km relay. Today I did a 10.6km run - the first organised run I've participated in since forever. I almost killed myself doing those hills, but I can't escape my demons. I can't out-cycle or out-run my own tortured thoughts. I'm scared.

Tortured

2009-11-25T00:02:00.002+13:00

Well, I finally got out after what seemed like an eternity. Life on the ward with so few distractions and so many unwell people around you just doesn't seem all that therapeutic.

So what happened? Well, I lost it. I went stark raving mad,... or something close to it. The police were involved and I was hauled into the locked down ward which got me even crazier. But I dont't really want to talk about that.

There was a definate Trigger. But I don't really want to talk about that either. No, that's not true. I want to. Very much so, but I haven't made much sense of it myself to be able to put it into words and sentences that would make sense to anyone else.

I've been crying so much I could barely breathe. There's so much pain and anxiety behind the Trigger. Buried so deep and yet revealed,... I feel my soul put on display and tortured with a branding iron. My life is completely unrevelling. My trust broken and betrayed. I feel so cheated and betrayed.

I don't know what else to say. I'm trying to make sense of it. I need to make sense of it before it destroys me completely.

In hospital

2009-11-20T18:50:00.002+13:00

Thank you to everyone who have supported me and my writing here. Things haven't gone very well and I'm not doing too good.

I've been in hospital since Wednesday, and am likely to be there all weekend. I'm currently home, but on escorted leave. I don't have much time. I'll update here when I'm released - hopefully early next week.

Broken promises

2009-11-17T17:16:00.002+13:00

What's this life worth? What's it worth compared to the millions of stars in the sky? What's it worth compared to the waters of the seas?

I am nothing. I have never been anything but a speck of dust. I've never been worth more than the dirt on the ground.

It's inevitable that the pain will come, and this time, I think it will finally claim me, and secretly, in some deep part of me, I am relieved. I must be relieved. I've seen it coming, I knew it was coming. I'll never be prepared for it no matter how much time it gives me. I knew that too.

For a long time I've pretended, and I've been a fraud. And I've lived this fake life, pretending to have things I have no right having. I thought if I could just pretend, it could be real someday. I was wrong. I was so wrong. And now it's finally caught up with me.

It's true what they say - you can run, but you can't hide and eventually, you just can't run anymore. That's when it gets you. That's when it finally gets you.

On being a loner

2009-11-16T15:45:00.002+13:00

"When nearly all you do is done alone, it makes the effort that is conversation that much harder, and all the more fruitless"
- Anneli Rufus (Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto)

I'm currently reading Anneli Rufus' book entitled The Loner's Manifesto. It probably contradicts what I've recently been trying to do, which is to become more social and reach out. But as the book confirms, that does not necessarily mean that I avoid all social contacts.

Previously, before I decided to do more social stuff, I've always considered myself a loner. Infact, perhaps I still do, and maybe that's why I'm reading this book. I figure maybe I'll know for sure whether it fits me or not.

But as it is, I still don't know. It's possible that I am one. I haven't really decided if all this social stuff makes me any happier. I don't know if it makes my life suddenly worth living. I do know, to a certain extent, that I am doing all this social stuff because V wants me to. And it could be a way for me to prove to her that it doesn't work. Unless it does. In which case it would prove me wrong.

The book is certainly interesting.

I'll share more thoughts on this if I encounter anything else.

Group

2009-11-12T15:17:00.002+13:00

I'm repeating one module of the skills group (DBT). The module is the one on interpersonal effectiveness and it started yesterday. It was tough going in because the group is an existing group, and I'm the only one who started yesterday. They seem more friendly than the previous group I was a part of. Infact two of them had a sense of humour which was good.

One of the leaders was a leader in my previous group, but I didn't know the other leader.

All in all, I think it went well despite the changes and the differences in this group. I was so nervous yesterday I briefly thought about not going at all. But then I thought about having the entire day to myself without structure and decided to go after all.

Social weekend

2009-11-10T13:39:00.002+13:00

Participated in another cycle event over the weekend. We left town on Friday night - it had been a long day, beginning with the drive down to Wellington for a couple of meetings. I didn't sleep much that night.

It was a social weekend overall - and no surprise, it took a lot of energy even though on Saturday we all pretty much chilled out and while the others went for a quick bike ride in the afternoon, I stayed behind, sat in the sun and read a book.

The ride on Sunday was a 42km event. It was a good ride - there were a few hills, but nothing compared to the last event. I enjoyed the ride, and made good time.

Bottom feeder

2009-11-04T08:36:00.002+13:00

So much in my head at the moment. Words mostly. Jumbled thoughts. Jagged sentences. All in my head, shifting like sands in a desert. I see mirages sometimes - optical illusions which fool my brain.

I need a new brain. I need a brain that does not betray me, a brain that is not broken, a brain that does not haunt or taunt me, a brain that is not set to self destruct. Why can't we be friends?

I've reached the depths of this experience. All I do is bottom feeding. The darkness does not relinquish its captive. It does not hear the pleadings of a bottom feeder.

So much agony in this swirling world of pain.

The ride

2009-10-27T15:15:00.002+13:00

On Sunday, a colleague and I headed off to Hunterville for a 43km cycle event. It was a tough course, and I knew that going in, but didn't quite think it would turn out to be a near death experience. Those hills just about killed me. Still, I finished in a decent time, and it was a really good workout. I don't know about doing it again next year, though. We've got another event lined up in a couple of weeks which should be a walk in the park compared to Hunterville.

Photography in words

2009-10-23T09:39:00.002+13:00

I really don't know why I blog. Blogging or journalling means that you have a record of a period of time in the past. On the one hand, I feel compelled to record everything that happens (the more significant events anyway), hoping that one day I will learn from my mistakes, hoping that one day I will discover a kernal of wisdom that will reveal to me the secret of life. And sometimes I want to know - I want to know how I was feeling back then when such and such happened. Or maybe in a way, perhaps I am trying to make sense of my life by writing.

But on the other hand, the recordings are sometimes too painful to go back to - it's too painful to go back to a time that no longer exists, to a time when the reality might as well have been a fantasy, when things are nothing more than projections of my own mind. Why would I want to record things that I would rather not revisit? Why would I want to remember things that are painful? But most of all, why would I want to remember the losses, of things I no longer have?

These days I don't like to spend too much time thinking about the past. What's gone is gone, what's done is done. Of course I feel hurt and regret and I believe there is a part of me that will always grieve for the losses, of things I never had, of the injustice of certain events. But I understand better now, how there is no point in dwelling in the past. It's so cliche, but if I don't let go of the past, I can never move forward. I don't like to say it, but it's true.

People say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but I've always wondered - what if what doesn't kill you yet cripples you for the rest of your life? Then you live the life of a cripple? The crippled person could forget all about the past, but now he has to live his life disabled. So as much as I am able to let go of the past that crippled me, I now have to live the life of an emotional cripple. I don't think anything can change that.

In the meantime, I think I will continue writing. It doesn't always make sense to want to produce memories in black and white when reality hurts so much, but crazy is as crazy does.

Float

2009-10-13T14:14:00.002+13:00

So life goes on. At least for now. I still cycle through my moods - emptiness, followed by some sadness or other, followed by moments when I think I'm managing OK. But I'm just cycling through. I don't know where I'm really headed yet.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Therapy is awfully hard work. This week I put in the strategies for The Plan. The Plan contains warning signs for when I get unwell, and what to do when that happens. After discussion with V last week, I have included hospitalisation as part of the plan, even if that means being on the High Needs unit(which is a locked down ward). I hate being in there, but have come to realise that it is probably the only safe place for me when I am very unwell. Is that progress?

Work has been OK. Despite budget cuts and a serious clamp down on spending, my application to attend a 4 day conference in Auckland in December was approved. You've got to celebrate the small victories these days.

Moody

2009-09-29T15:04:00.003+13:00

My mood has plummeted downwards significantly. I can't explain the shift. I don't really have words for it. I'm in a weird mood.

I joked with colleagues just now - about suicide ideation. I was telling them about this presentation I'm not looking forward to having to do on Thursday. I told them a piano might drop on my head, or I might get hit by a bus. I said to another colleague - hey, do you know anyone with swine flu? I need to borrow their handkerchief. I might have gone too far, but I really was trying to be funny. Finally they told me to stop, that I shouldn't be joking about such things.

Of course, it's sick. I really shouldn't be joking about things like that. Life is precious, life is fragile. All that crap.

I just want to go home and go to bed. I think someone wounded my heart today.

The anchor

2009-09-24T11:26:00.001+12:00

Therapy have been hard going recently. Not in a bad sense, but it's just been hard work with much to think about (particularly between sessions) regarding where I want to go and what I want to do. I say I want a better life, I say I want something more, but it's been difficult to define exactly what those things are.

It's hard enough trying to figure out what my preferences are. For so long, my preferences have never really been taken into account. While it can be somewhat exciting to explore the possibilities, those possibilities also overwhelm me.

On Tuesday, I came up with this analogy of a ship with an anchor. I told V I was looking for my anchor - something to hold me onto Life. I said that most people have an anchor (some people may have more than one) - whether it is their family, their child(ren), or their job, or hobby. Whatever it is, it's what makes them want to wake up the next day and the next day and keep going no matter what. Something that replaces the option of death.

For me, right this moment, it feels as though I am a ship without an anchor, and I am tossed and thrown about with every wave and I come too damn near a ship wreck whenever there is a storm.

Despite a certain level of stability (no more impulsive overdoses and self harm episodes), I still find myself in despair, I still find myself in that muck, struggling just to get through those moments.

Yesterday would have been a typical example - I have been forced to take some annual leave between now and the end of the year in some cost saving effort by my organisation, so I opted to take a day off a week for the next 12 weeks instead of a block of 1-2 weeks off. Knowing that a block of a week or two would just drive me crazy. I thought one day a week was "doable". But nevertheless, there was a feeling of emptiness which struck me early yesterday morning when I awoke and realised I had the whole day to get through on my own.

Even though I had plans to rent some DVDs and watch back to back movies all day, and was somewhat looking forward to it, that dread in the pit of my stomach was almost unbearable. Weekends used to do that to me, but I'm managing my weekends better now, so that I do look forward to them. But yesterday was just one day, and that giant gaping emptiness did catch me off guard a bit. Structureless days tend to have that impact on me. At least on weekends, I tend to have the usual chores and grocery shopping to do.

I know most people would kill to have paid 4 day weeks from now till the rest of the year - but the thought of doing that just overwhelms me. And that's also why I'm planning on taking Wednesdays off rather than Mondays or Fridays like most other people to make it long weekends. It's crazy, but mostly it's just sad. I had even called V to remind her and ask her about Group (she'd mentioned my repeating one module of the DBT group) to see if I could attend. How sad is that, to want to attend group therapy as part of my "vacation days".

I think V wanted me to take a real holiday - actually take a block of a week or two off and go away. But to go away on my own? The planning and the idea of it just didn't appeal to me. So I told her no, I'm not planning on going away anytime between now and the end of the year, but still have to use up at least 12 days of annual leave.

I'm sad to say I live a very pathetic and sad life. And that's what I mean by wanting something more than this, by saying that I need an anchor. I need to have a connection with someone, or something. I need to have a reason to keep going on in a positive way, not alone the way I've been my entire life. And wanting something I have never had is scary and exciting at the same time. Mostly scary, and overwhelming, because I know it isn't a guarantee and who knows what happens if it comes down to the fact that I may never find it or that I can never have it.

Lunargliding my way through

2009-09-22T14:33:00.000+12:00

It's called the LunarGlide. It's one of the best models coming out of Nike this season and set me back a few dollars. But considering the fact that my current running shoes are so old they have holes in the bottom of the shoes and were picking up loose bits of gravel whenever I run, I thought it was a good treat for myself.

It ran well yesterday. I can't believe the support it provides for my feet! It's amazing having any support at all since my old pair were so worn out they had neither threads not support. But this was super-support... seriously. It was like running on fluffy pillows! The only downside is that being brand new, they are still a little stiff and the top of the shoe haven't molded perfectly into my feet. But they will, with time.

Running on the trails yesterday, I had this urge to go "beep beep" every now and then.

New running shoes!

2009-09-21T07:53:00.001+12:00

Bought new running shoes over the weekend! Can't wait to hit the trails for a test drive later this morning!

Weekend ride

2009-09-14T14:01:00.002+12:00

I had a decent weekend, even though by the time I left work on Friday I had a headache and was feeling achy in my body. I thought I was probably coming down with something, but managed to fight it off on Saturday by taking things easy and drinking lots of water.

By Sunday, I felt well enough for a ride, and went on a 45km ride around the back roads just outside of the city with K. There were a few hills which almost killed me, but other than that, it went well.

I've done my homework for therapy tomorrow, but feel unsure now about sharing them with V. The activity diary is OK, but I also had to write up a plan for what to do when I become unwell and that includes signs of becoming unwell. There are a few things in there that I consider deeply personal. But I do trust V, and probably have shared with her all my "signs" at one point or another, but seeing it in bullet points in black and white feels uncomfortable somehow, as if acknowledging my illness, or validating it. Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.

Stop this ride

2009-09-11T15:25:00.003+12:00

Another week over. A big sigh of relief. Is this what life is all about? I told V on Tuesday that this is what it feels like. You get through the next hour, then the next day, the next week, then you repeat everything over and you do it all again. I want more than that. I want to want to live. I want to live. Not just get through. I don't want to be tired the way I am, ready to leave this ride and go home. I don't want to be that little kid crying, begging to go home because she is just so over it all.

Friday blah

2009-09-04T15:13:00.003+12:00

I'm about to sign off on a Friday. It's Friday, and it's my favourite day of the work week. It's gone relatively well this morning, with me being fairly productive, then I had a good run on the trails over lunch time, which always puts me in a good mood.

But some developments this afternoon have put a damper on my mood. Some things have happened which have struck me as being incredibly unfair and seems to undermine a lot of the hard work I have put in. It seems unfair. I've been trying not to let it bother me, but the fact that it does makes me want to throw a fit. But I don't throw fits. Not in public anyway, but internally it's another story.

What a way to end an already long work week. I'm going to go home and try not to let this ruin my weekend.

The road race

2009-08-31T14:17:00.001+12:00

It was a perfect day for riding. We (a colleague and I) didn't think we were going to make it, and a part of me was hoping it would be gusterly as predicted, so I could sleep in on my Sunday. But a perfect day dawned, and I was up at 7am, in anticipation of my first cycle race.

It's been ages since I've been on a bike, so I kept joking about how it would be a successful ride as long as I didn't fall off my bike. Well, it wasn't my bike technically - I'd borrowed one from another colleague who is a serious rider, and it was his old bike, but it was a good light weight bike (meaning, it was FAST!). And so on a good day like yesterday when the course was flat (relatively) and there were no winds, I managed to complete the 20km in 33mins 23 seconds, and the second female to finish in my group. Not bad for a first timer! Of course, all the serious riders were doing the longer courses. So it's really not that BIG an achievement. But it's good experience for the 42km ride (or 84km if I'm really brave and decide to do that) we're planning in November.

And I did manage to fall off my bike,... at the finish chute. It was a relatively small race, so being as inexperienced as I was, I didn't know that the "finish chute" was merely a line of orange cones on the side of the road. (I would have thought there would be "FINISH" signs at the finish line!) So I went flying past it when the marshalls yelled out to me to slow down and get into the chute. I braked hard and almost skidded, but managed not to fall off, it was only as I u-turned into the damn chute, that I fell right off. I don't know how it happened, really. One minute I was on my bike and the next I was looking at the world horizontally from the side of the road. I skinned my elbow and knee, but was mostly just embarrassed.

Now that I've got that out of my system, let's hope I don't fall off on my next road race!

Debriefing

2009-08-25T13:56:00.003+12:00

Things have settled down a little. Last week was rough, but V saw me through it. I need to remember what happens when I'm under stress, and apparently I was over the last month or so, stuff relating to work.

It was good to have a bit of a debrief session with V today in which she highlighted the importance of having some sort of plan for when I go fruity. Well, she didn't put it that way, but basically, for when I start to unravel.

There is a point, though, I think, when I cross over the point of no return when nothing will persuade my mind back from that edge and that inevitably I will find myself falling off that ledge. But this time, this time I could be talked through it, and that was good because now I know it can be done if caught (noticed) early enough. And that's the key to success or failure - catching it early enough. Apparently there are signs.

V acknowledged there is a lot of work for me to do here. And that we're not going to sort it out in an hour. But it's a start,... and I suppose I WILL at least try to put something together.

Me me me (Con't)

2009-08-19T15:04:00.003+12:00

I've had a rough couple days, but will at least try to finish this.

The final two questions were:

What do you do that makes you feel really free and at ease? (by Hannah)
This one's easy - Running! I get a really good workout when I'm angry or frustrated.

What are the top 3 triggers that have led to your past suicide attempts? (by Sid)
1) Abandonment or the threat of it(this is HUGE for me)
2) Despair, loss of hope in a more positive future
3) Anger at someone specific, or being let down by someone

Thanks to everyone who played!

Dark oblivion

2009-08-13T13:57:00.002+12:00

As I drifted helplessly into that dark oblivion, aided by the swiftly flowing river of Zopiclone, I was horrified by what I had done - even though they were orders from my CPN. What, I thought, would happen if I were asleep and they DID break in and kill me?